Posted in Firm News
October 10th was World Mental Health Day, so I thought this month’s blog would be a great time to discuss the very real, serious, and vital issue of mental health and divorce. If you need legal help with a divorce or other family law matter, our preeminent divorce lawyer Bethesda, MD is here to help. While having effective legal help cannot keep depression away, it can help to let you rest easier knowing that the legal aspects of your divorce are in good hands.
There is no other area in life that can implode your world quite like a divorce. I mean, even death doesn’t blow your entire life up at once (most of the time). I have seen synagogues, churches, schools, communities, workplaces, families, and friend groups completely decimated by the divorce of a couple. I know—it doesn’t have to be this way—but the truth? It happens way more often than you might think. Why?
There are many factors, too numerous to list in this blog, so I’m going to focus today on the undercurrent of mental health issues that malign and decay the marital union. Untreated addictions (alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, shopping, hoarding, just to name a few), personality disorders, depression, anxiety, and untreated trauma are just a few of the highlights in the underlying causes and conditions of divorce.
I will make the bold statement (based completely on my own experience as a divorce professional for the last 30 years) that all contested divorce cases (that end up in trial) have at least one or both parties with a personality disorder, largely undiagnosed and untreated. It seems to be the bane of divorce court: litigants with a whole host of misunderstood, exploited, and maligned mental health issues working within a system that is not designed to deal with any of that effectively. Litigation destroys relationships. When wrecked relationships careen into the hallowed hallways of our justice system, it gets worse. Families and family systems get worse.
Now imagine a failing family system heading straight toward complete annihilation by an unsuspecting judicial officer who is ill-equipped, undereducated, and unprepared to deal with the very serious and often lifelong issues of the destroyed people that appear before them every day.
Add to this nightmare the fact that addressing your mental health issues when there is pending litigation that is going to delve into every single aspect of your life is not well-timed—and often has tragic results. Judges have a hard enough time dealing with people who admit they have issues or whose issues are so grave that they are easily spotted, not so easily dealt with. The judge is going to spend about 30 minutes on your matter before you end up in front of them in trial. They are flying blind, tugged in the direction of whomever seems less “crazy” on any given day.
Are We Doomed?
Perhaps—but I believe there are concrete things we can do to improve our own mental health when staring down a pending domestic devastation.
Seek Help. HIPAA provides a level of security and safety, so most of the time, you seeking help for your failing mental health can occur without outing you and your vulnerabilities to the court and the other side, who will absolutely hold them against you. I recommend talking to a divorce lawyer in your jurisdiction to get assistance and advice before you begin to spill your guts in therapy. The rules differ from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, so get some timely advice from someone in the know so that your therapeutic privilege is preserved and shielded from the destruction that is litigation.
Ask Questions. From therapists, lawyers, and online forums. Information is power. Find out what you don’t know. Don’t give in to the hype; instead, gather information and then verify that information with someone who is professionally credentialed. I mean, Google is great and ChatGPT is better, but there is no supplanting good old human experience and education to shore up your concerns. Talk to a qualified professional.
Release Shame. Have you looked around the world lately? It is not-so-slowly imploding as we speak. No one—and I mean absolutely no one—is completely sane anymore. We are all dealing with varying versions of insanity on the daily. You are not alone. You don’t have mental health issues because you are a bad person; you are simply a human being who happens to be struggling with some stuff right now. It isn’t shameful; it is just your journey. And believe me when I say we all have issues.
Slay Denial. Pretending you aren’t depressed doesn’t cure depression. Denying you have a serious drinking problem doesn’t stop you from destroying your life. I believe fear stands for “Face Everything And Recover.” Or, if you like, it can stand for “Forget Everything And Run.” The choice is always yours. My experience? Problems admitted and addressed cause far less damage to all involved than issues denied and defended. You can pretend what is happening isn’t happening, but reality always wins, my friends.
Find Humor. Watch funny stuff online. Cat videos. People falling down spectacularly. Meet up with friends. Attend comedy shows. Divorce is hard; divorce with mental health issues is harder. Remember this is going to pass and there is a light at the end of the divorce tunnel—and if you do this right, it isn’t the train. I believe, and it has been my experience, that whatever we can laugh at loses a great deal of power to own and control us. The best non-prescribed medicine I have ever found is laughing uncontrollably with someone I love and trust. It may not cure all ills, but it helps me keep things in perspective, and it is the best release I know. Way better than booze and drugs—and believe me, I have given that a good run for its money.
Remember This Too Shall Pass. There is no guarantee it will go down the way you want it to. But remember—the first report from the battlefield is usually wrong. The most important thing I have ever learned about walking through my own personal hell is to keep going. Don’t linger in the pain and destruction. Keep moving forward, trudging if you must, but trust that every divorce has a beginning and a middle, and a middle, and a middle—but there is always an end.
Moving Forward Toward Healing
Attend to your mental health always—but be especially diligent about it when under distress. And in case you weren’t aware, all divorce is distressing. It is the law of divorce: it is hard and taxing and feels like it will never, ever end, but it does. All the effort you put into having good mental hygiene will pay off handsomely down the line.
One final note—please, please, please get yourself a qualified therapist to help you through the divorce process. They are as invaluable as a good family law attorney. If you need a referral, call me; I will point you in the right direction.
Until then, work on your mental health and know that what you do not heal will always call you to use something or someone—and that almost always makes this whole endeavor more expensive, harder than it needs to be, and causes the collateral damage to be quite expansive and epic.
There is divorce with dignity, but that can only happen if you are dealing with your stuff—so let divorce be the beginning of a mentally stable and happier you. The dedicated team at Fait & DiLima, LLP, has over 100 years of combined legal experience helping clients with divorce, custody, child support, protective orders, family litigation, and a full range of other family law matters. Reach out to us today.
