Posted in Blog
Spring has sprung after the long winter of your divorce…or maybe you are not “actually” divorced yet but you separated and have watched everything there is to watch on Hulu, Paramount and Netflix, oh and Apple TV. Maybe it is time for you to bust out some new skills and foray back out into the dating world…you brave, intrepid warrior for love, or maybe just sex. Totally up to you!
If you have been out of the dating game for a while, the new dating scene needs a guidebook, or owner’s manual or some sort of guidance…it is a very different landscape than it was 20/30 years ago, hell, it is vastly different than it was 5 years ago.
So, before you dip your foot in the proverbial dating pool, here is what you need to know before you begin:
The Odds Are Good, but the Goods are Odd:
The upside, you can find whatever it is you are looking for, tonight.
Throw up a profile on Tinder or Feeld and I can guarantee you, you will have many opportunities…now for what, is very you dependent. I guess a major caveat is that you are most likely to find sex, whatever kind of sex you are into, lacking, or want to explore. Never has it been easier to get laid. Never in the history of humankind!
But all these “options” come with risk. Not everyone out there on the sites is honest, truthful, disease free or even a real person. So, use caution before leaping into the deep end of the nascent dating pool!
If you want to get laid, endlessly message the banalities of everyday life or maybe even get coffee, the odds are good! But, trust me when I tell you that often the goods you think you are engaging with often turn out to be just a little off. Call me if you want a better explanation, I am going to need way more words than this post will allow to properly explain this…
What to do before you begin:
- Be honest about what you want! Love? Don’t accept sex and think it will morph into love. Sex? Understand that there is every variety, flavor and option available, choose wisely. Fun? Understand that there might be better ways to have a good time. The emotional landscape of other people, is not always the best playground.
- Talk to your friends who have been single for a while. See what they have done and what results they feel they have achieved. In the end, you are going to have to try it for yourself…but do the research first and save yourself a great deal of hardship and embarrassment along the way.
- Give yourself some time. You may be dying to have sex as you leave that sexless marriage but you might be so emotionally damaged that a strong sexual connection is just going to further ruin you. Some people bounce out of marriages and are happily moving their lives forward and only too happy to have company along the way. Then there are others of us that take some time to heal and need to sit idle for some time. There is no right or wrong, just make sure you honor you along the way. If you need the time, take it. And understand that regardless of the relatively impersonal manner of online dating, most of the time you are dealing with real people who have real emotions.
- The golden rule still applies. Sure, in today’s world you can get away with a lot of shitty behavior. The internet provides us a level of distance that real life does not. If you don’t want to be ghosted, then don’t ghost. Orbiting feels awful, then don’t you do it either. Being a good person doesn’t guarantee you a good “match” but being a horrible person pretty much guarantees getting walloped good with karma’s boomerang.
- Look up and understand the following terms: ghosting, Orbiting or haunting, breadcrumbing, love bombing, fire dooring, hard balling, cat and kitten fishing, cushioning, zombeing and of course, and the ever present narcissist. Call me for further discussion or explanation. You are gonna need to have a working understanding of all of this not to lose your mind, your heart, your soul and your financial security!
- Be prepared by Have firm, but flexible boundaries.
- Do not lie, mostly to yourself. Then it is easy not to lie to others.
- Know what you want and know what you can offer. Again, be as honest with yourself appraisal as you are about the relative capacities that exist in your date.
- Don’t be afraid to ask questions: of yourself, of your date, of your friends and colleagues, and of a coach if you feel completely out of your depths. This is not 1995. The issues are different, the platforms are completely new and you have been out of the game a long time. It is going to take some pretty intense adjustments to get your dating sea legs.
- Go after what you want and make no apologies. If you just want to get laid twenty times a week by 25 year olds, you can do that. If you want to fall in love and blend families, you can do that too. Although I will tell you the first one is easier in the short run but harder later on, and the other is harder in the short term and well also harder later on. Your choice!
Finally, the best advice I can give someone entering the dating pool after a divorce is that you cannot get depth by only swimming in the shallow end. Be mindful of what you are putting out there, because like tends to attract like. The shallow waters are often warmer, but that also can mean you are just swimming in an area that everyone is peeing in…
sure the depths are scary but isn’t everything worthwhile in this life terrifying. Look at you, you were terrified to leave that awful marriage and look at ya now! On your way to your next mistake…just kidding! You are on your way to the path of the rest of your life. Life is too short to be miserable or married to the wrong person. Dating can be fun but it is important to maintain a good perspective. Someone I recently met said there are two rules to life:
#1 – Be safe
#2 – Have fun
Seems to me if you apply these two rules to dating, you will do just fine.
As always, I am here to help and offer up any experience, strength and hope I can. Good luck out there – may you find whatever it is you are looking for and may it be everything you have ever wanted and more!
